If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
