Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
