I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
