How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
And then my night got REAL pukey
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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