My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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