I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
