God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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