You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
