just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
