I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
