Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
It's just like the Real World with babies
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
