Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Randomize
