Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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