don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
