If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Randomize
