I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
