You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
How does one acquire holy water?
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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