The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
