i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Randomize
