fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
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