We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Randomize
