Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
