No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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