You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
