filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
