I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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