it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Randomize
