These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
