There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
