So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
last night I used snow as a chaser
Randomize
