my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
