Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
