the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
