I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
How does it feel to date your dad?
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
