I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
