Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
