peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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