ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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