Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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