Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I have aggressive nipples.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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