I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
