My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
