ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I think a kid would responsible me up
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
