New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
