How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
