Barsexuality is the new black.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
