K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
