Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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