so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
