Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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