I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
